PS 3545 
■064 K5 
1923 
Copy 1 
















" The Plays that Sparkle ” 

For High Schools, Colleges, Dramatic Clubs. 
By REA WOODMAN 

Simple stage settings Characteristic action 

Present day costumes Fascinating dialogue 

The Sweet Girl Graduates (1902) A Domestic Com¬ 
edy in three acts and an epilogue. Maude De Smythe 
is pretty, spoiled, nervous and importunate. Getting 
her ready to graduate consumes the energies of the 
whole family, and well-nigh wrecks the aggregation. 
7 male, 4 female characters. Time, 2 hours. Price 35 
cents. 

The Professor (1906) A Commencement Comedy in 
three acts and an epilogue. The Principal of “The Raf- 
ton High” is the busiest man in town during Com¬ 
mencement Week,—so busy, so tired, so patient, so 
harassed and so dear\ 5 male, 8 female characters. 
Time, 2 hours. Price 35 cents. 

His Uncle John (1909) A College Comedy in three 
acts and a prologue. Jack Sanderson finds it rather 
disconcerting to have his rich Uncle appear unexpec¬ 
tedly,—his Uncle, who sincerely believes “a young 
man married is a man that’s marred.” 4 male, 3 female 
characters. Time, \ l / 2 hours. Price 25 cents. 

GalHger (1910) A High School Comedy in three acts 
and a prologue. As First Assistant to the chairman of 
The Refreshment Committee, Galliger Gurdy, the 
charming, the efficient, the nonchalant, rounds up the 
Senior Reception in dashing style. 4 male, 8 female 
characters. Time, 2 hours. Price 25 cents. 


(Continued on inside back cover.) 





















Copyright, 1923, by Rea Woodman 


©CID 04192 


Lansing-Broas Printing Company, Inc. 
Poughkeepsie, New York 



When this little play was written, in the early 
summer of 1914, my Mother was with me, and 
daily life in “The Little Dutch” was attractive 
in itself and for itself. “She has gone to that 
fair, bright Heaven, Oh so far away from here,” 
but I like to associate The King of Nolandc with 
her name, her presence, her faith. To The Beau¬ 
tiful, then, with admiration and gratitude and 
longing, these nonsense pages she enjoyed and 
believed in. 


AN ANNOUNCEMENT 


After January 1, 1924, seven of the Woodman Plays 
for schools, high schools and colleges, namely, “The 
Sweet Girl Graduates,” “The Professor,” “His Uncle 
John“Galliger,” “Bess Goes to Europe,” “The Rescue 
of Prince Hal” and “The Cinder Maid,” for ten years 
published by The Eldridge Entertainment House, of 
Franklin, Ohio, will be published by The Woodman 
Plays Company, of Poughkeepsie, New York. 

After September 15, 1924, the remaining six of The 
Woodman Plays, namely, “The Clever Doctor,” “The 
Master's Birthday : a Dickens Party,” “Preserving a 
Smith,” “The Honest Shoemaker,” “Billy Ben's Pirate 
Play” and “The Oaten Cakes,” now published by The 
Eldridge Entertainment House, will be taken over by 
The Woodman Plays Company. 


THE PEOPLE OF THE DRAMA 


Nosco III, The: King of Nolande 

The: Duke: of Naught, Brother to the King 

The Lord High Chancellor 

The Lord High Executioner 

The Minister of Finance 

The Court Minstrel 

Rococo, King of the FeejEE Islands 

Matilda, Queen Consort 

Agria, an Exiled Queen 

The Heir Apparent 

Markham, Personal Servant to the King 

Courtiers, Ladies in Waiting, Servants, Pages and 
Bellboys 


ACT I 

The; Throne; Room, One Morning in 
June 

“No matter what Pm doing, I’ve got to 
stop and put on my crown, and reign 
awhile. I wish I were a pirate or a 
banker!” 

ACT II 

The: Throne: Room, Several Days Later 

“If I can’t run this country without war ; 
I’ll resign.” 

ACT III 

The Throne Room, Two Weeks Later 

“One King’s as good as another. It all 
comes in a lifetime!” 

EPILOGUE 

The Private Oeeice oe Mr. Ferdinand 
Nosco, Five Years Later 

“Oh yes, I’ve corralled a few millions. It 
isn’t hard — if you know the corners!” 


(This page is suggested for use on printed programs, in con¬ 
nection, of course, with The People of the Drama.) 


The King of Nolande 7 

ACT I 

The; Throne: Room, One: Morning in June: 

(The Throne Room, a well-furnished apartment, in 
which the chief and commanding ornament is The Throne 
[a handsome hall settee would serve admirably], reached 
by three wide, crimson steps. A pair of portieres cover 
a door at one side, by which stands Markham, erect, uni¬ 
formed, grave, motionless. On the steps of The Throne 
lay many books, open, face downward. King Nosco, in 
shooting jacket and knickerbockers, is whistling “There’ll 
Be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight \” and sorting 
fishin ’ tackle, in a fine state of confusion, from a large 
wooden box on the floor beside him.) 

{Enter a Servant, and speaks to Markham.) 

Markham The Cord High Chancellor. {He opens 
the portieres.) 

{Enter the Lord High Chancellor, a stately old 
party, in official dress.) 

Chancellor {bowing) Your Majesty! {The Servant 
bows, and withdraws.) 

Nosco {cheerfully) Good morning, Chancellor! 

Chancellor {bowing) I trust I see your Majesty in 
good health this morning? 

Nosco Never better, Chancellor, never better. How 
are you ? 

Chancellor I thank your Majesty, I am in excellent 
health. Have you any commands for today, your Maj¬ 
esty ? 

Nosco {digging into the box) I think not. Every¬ 
thing’s all right, isn’t it? 

Chancellor {referring to the scroll he carries) So far 
as I know, your Majesty, everything is quiet in the con¬ 
fines of the kingdom. The revolt has been quelled. 

Nosco What revolt? 

Chancellor There was a revolt yesterday in the North¬ 
east Province. 


8 The King of Nolande 

Nosco {cheerfully ) You don’t tell me? What was 
the matter ? 

Chancellor Your Majesty, it pains me to report that 
the people object to the new state road that is being cut 
through. They say it is destroying too much property. 

Nosco I agree with them. I said so myself. I said 
it before they did. But Parliament would have that road 
seventy feet wide. It is ridiculous. Any practical farmer 
knows that. How many people rebelled? 

Chancellor {stiffly ) It was a revolution, your Maj¬ 
esty. 

Nosco {winding fish line) So you said. How many 
people rebelled? 

Chancellor Twenty-six, your Majesty. 

Nosco {grinning) What did you do? 

Chancellor We sent up the Royal Reserves, and swore 
in a hundred special deputies to keep the peace. 

Nosco {shrugging) Four deputies to each rebel! Big 
business ! Bring me the names of the twenty-six citizens 
who object to that road. Bring ’em as soon as possible. 
That’s all this morning. 

Chancellor Pardon me, your Majesty. It is custom¬ 
ary * under the circumstances, for the King to issue a 
Proclamation. 

Nosco {not having heard , being bent over the box) 
A what? 

Chancellor A Proclamation, your Majesty. 

Nosco Of course. When a King has anything to say 
he ups and says it, like any other man. I am not ready 
to say anything yet. That’s all this morning. 

Chancellor Yes, your Majesty. ( Reluctantly , he bows 
himself out. Nosco winds line , whistling softly and ab¬ 
sently. A Servant comes in , and speaks to Markham.) 

Markham Your Majesty, a committee from Parlia¬ 
ment desires to have an audience. 

Nosco {looking up archly) Have a which? 

Markham {zvith the ghost of a grin) Have an audi¬ 
ence, your Majesty. 


The King of Nolande 


9 


Nosco You mean they want to ask my advice about 
something- they have decided to do anyway. I’m not 
reigning now. Tell ’em so. 

Markham (demurely ) Yes, your Majesty. ( He goes 
out.) 

Nosco (sorting fishin* tackle and whistling happily) 
I suppose they want to talk about that road. I’ll settle 
that matter when I get good and ready. 

( Re-enter Markham, and takes his place.) 

Markham Your Majesty, the Lord High Executioner 
desires to make a report. 

Nosco I told you I was not reigning now. Can’t you 
see that I’m tryin’ to straighten out this fishin’ tackle? 

Markham Yes, your Majesty, but the Lord High Ex¬ 
ecutioner desires to make a report. 

Nosco There isn’t anything to report. I guess I know 
what’s going on in this kingdom. Because I’m not blow¬ 
ing a trumpet all the time, and prancing around all dress¬ 
ed up is no reason that I don’t know my business. {He 
goes on working and whistling.) 

Markham Pardon me, your Majesty. The Lord High 
Executioner desires to make a report. 

Nosco Of course he does. You can’t tell me anything 
about him. He wants to cut somebody’s head off. (A 
Serz r ant comes in, and speaks urgently with Markham.) 

Markham Your Majesty, the Lord High Executioner 
insists upon making a report. 

Nosco Oh, if he insists that’s different. Send him in. 
(The Servant goes out.) 

Markham (opening the portieres) The Lord High 
Executioner. 

(Enter the Lord High Executioner, with his gilded 
Axe of Office. He is in black velvet, a solemn High 
Brozv.) 

Executionecr (with a lozv bow) Your Majesty, I am 
ready to submit my report for the day. {He unrolls a 
long scroll.) 


10 


The King of Nolande 


Nosco Wait a minute! ( Digging in the box, he takes 

out a big fish net, and some tangled line.) Go ahead. 

Executioner Your Majesty, this is an official report. 

Nosco So I suppose. 

Executioner Pardon me, your Majesty, but an official 
report will have to be received in an official way. 

Nosco Oh bother! ( He rises, hunts his crown, jams 

it on, lop-sided, sits down and resumes his work.) Go on. 

Executioner (reading from the scroll with vast satis¬ 
faction) I have the honor to announce that five crim¬ 
inals are to be beheaded today. Shall I read their names ? 

Nosco No. I don’t care about their names. What 
did they do? A man doesn’t have his head cut off be¬ 
cause he is John Smith; he dies because he did some¬ 
thing. What did they do? 

Executioner Your Majesty, the first man stole a goose. 
He is a very desperate character. 

Nosco {thoughtfully) He is? Was it his first goose? 

Executioner {looking up, puzzled) Your Majesty? 

Nosco {winding reel on his fingers) I mean did he 
ever steal aything before? 

Executioner I don’t know. 

Nosco Well, you ought to know. That’s the sort of 
thing I expect you to know. Go on. 

Executioner The second man shut his wife up in the 
cellar for three days. 

Nosco What did his wife do? 

Executioner While she was in the cellar, your Maj¬ 
esty ? 

Nosco No, before he put her in. What did the woman 
do? 

Executioneer {wiping his brow) I don’t know, your 
Majesty. 

Nosco {curtly) Then find out. Go on. 

Executioner {reading) The third man impeached the 
integrity of Parliament. The fourth man shot a deer in 
Lord Hazelknob’s park. This is the second time this 
man has been arrested in ten years. The fifth man used 


The King of Nolande 11 

profane language in the presence of the Lord High 
Chancellor. 

Nosco He had his nerve with him! Did he swear? 

Executioner Your Majesty, he swore. 

Nosco What did the fourth man do the first time ? 

Executioner Your Majesty, I do not apprehend your 
meaning. 

Nosco You said the fourth man shot a deer in Lord 
Hazelknob’s park, and that he was arrested ten years 
ago. What did he do the other time he was arrested ? 

Executioner (meekly ) I do not know, your Majesty. 

Nosco (settling his wobbly crown more firmly on his 
towsled head ) And you call this a report? You want 
to read up on what a report is. What did you say the 
third man did? 

Executioner ( meekly ) He impeached the integrity 
of Parliament. 

Nosco ( slowly , almost ceasing to wind reel ) “Im¬ 
peached the integrity of Parliament.” That’s a new one 
on me. 

Executioner Your Majesty? 

Nosco You’ve got me guessin’. What did he say? 

Executioner (pompously ) Does your Majesty desire 
to hear the man’s exact words? 

Nosco Fire ahead. 

Executioner I trust your Majesty will pardon me. The 
man’s language is coarse. He is reported to have called 
The House of Lords “a parcel of silly old fools.” 

Nosco “Reported to have called.” Don’t you know 
whether he did nor not? 

Executioner I have good reason, your Majesty, to 
believe the report is correct. 

Nosco (looking at him quietly until the man quakes 
and looks away) What’s that man’s name? 

Executioner (mopping his anguished brow ) Jeremy 
Jackson. He’s from the Northeast Province. 

Nosco Jeremy Jackson. —Markham, write that name 
down. Have you got it? Jeremy Jackson. I’ll look 
him up. He seems to have a mind of his own. —You 


t 


12 ' The King of Nolande 

say you don’t know what that woman did who was shut 
up in the cellar ? 

Executioner (rolling the scroll ) It is not recorded, 
your Majesty. 

Nosco Well, it ought to be recorded. That’s the sort 
of thing I want recorded,— inside facts. (Whistles soft¬ 
ly, thinking.) It’s a hard job to put a woman in a cellar. 
There isn’t one man in a hundred that can put his wife in 
the cellar—not if she fights back. A man doesn’t do that 
sort of thing for diversion. When he wants a change he 
goes to a prize fight. Well, I pardon those five men. Do 
you understand? All of ’em. {He puts down the reel 
with a sigh.) All of ’em. 

Executioner But, your Majesty, they are criminals. 

Nosco You haven’t proved that they are. I pardon 
the bunch. Is that all today? 

Executioner (in distress) But—your Majesty, I must 
kill somebody! 

Nosco (stooping over the box) Eh? ( His crozvn 
falls off.) 

Executioner I must execute somebody. I am not 
earning my salary. 

Nosco Either am I. I don’t know who is. Don’t let 
a little thing like that trouble you. We don’t need an 
Executioner in this kingdom, anyhow. The people are 
good enough if we let them alone. 

Executioner ( trembling as to his knees) Your Maj¬ 
esty, how could there be a kingdom without an Execu¬ 
tioner? 

Nosco ( scornfully) Oh, you’re not going to lose 
your job! Don’t be scared. But if you ever kill a man 
without asking me first I’ll cut your head off good and 
proper. Give each of those men a bath, and a new suit 
of clothes, and some money, and turn them loose. 

Executioner (tremblingly ) Your Majesty! ... Is 
this official ? 

Nosco (putting on his crozvn, hastily, climbing to The 
Throne, and seating himself) Give each of those men a 
bath, and a new suit of clothes, and ten dollars in gold, 




The King of Nolande 


13 


with my compliments, and turn them loose. Take a va¬ 
cation. Get it off your mind. Read a good book; go 
fishin’. I’m going myself, after while. 

Executioner {with an injured air) Your Majesty, I 
bid you good morning. 

Nosco {dryly) Good morning. {The Executioner 
stalks out. Nosco descends from The Throne, takes off 
his crown, and puts it carelessly on a low hassock. Then 
he shakes his head as if to shake off water.) 

{Enter a Servant, and speaks with Markham.) 

Markham Her Majesty, the Queen Consort. 

{Enter Queen Matilda, attended by a Lady in 
Waiting. The latter seats herself near Markham.) 

Queen Those foreign representat ; \es have come. You 
are to give them an audience at fi\ e o’clock. 

Nosco {fitting together the joints of an extension rod) 
Who says I am? 

Queen The Chancellor. 

Nosco {whipping the air softly with the lithe rod) 
The Chancellor is mistaken. I’m going fishing this after¬ 
noon. {She looks reproachfully at him, with bitten lip.) 
Oh, I know what you think! Your father never went 
fishin’; he wore his crown all the time, and.reigned and 
reigned to beat the band! He’d rather go to Parliament 
than go hunting any day. I’m not that sort. I’m tired 
of Chancellors and Parliaments and all that fuss and 
fuddle. No matter what I’m doing I’ve got to stop and 
put on my crown and reign a while! I’d like to get out 
and do things,—make my own money and spend it as I 
please. I’m tired of having a lot of noddleheads tell me 
how much I can spend; other men don’t; they spend 
what they please. I wish I were a pirate or a banker! 

Queen I do not want to be a pirate’s wife. What is 
a pirate? They aren’t respectable. 

Nosco What is a King? They don’t do anything 
worth while. 


14 


The King of Nolande 


Queen (going to his side) Have you the indigestion 
today ? 

Nosco {waving her aside) Now there it goes again! 
If a King shows any commonsense he has the indiges¬ 
tion ! I wish you would go ’way !. I’m tryin’ to get ready 
to go fishin’. 

Queen {with an air) Certainly I will go away. It is 
no pleasure to talk with a King who would rather be a 
pirate or a banker! Do you wish to view the Prince 
this morning? 

Nosco Is he sick? 

Queen No, but it is customary for the King to view 
the Heir Apparent every morning. My father always did. 

Nosco {whipping the air softly with the rod) My 
dear, your Father was doubtless a very fine King, but I 
am running this country. 

Queen Then you do not wish to see your child? 

Nosco Why yes, I do. I always want to see His Nibs. 
He’s the finest ever. Bring him in by all means. {The 
Queen goes, attended by the Lady, with much ceremony.) 

Nosco {whipping the air) Markham, what do you 
think of this rod? 

Markham {looking up) It looks like a very fine rod, 
your Majesty. 

Nosco Well sir, I’ve had this rod six years. In that 
time I’ve been fishin’ twice . . . How many times have 
you been fishin’ in six years? 

Markham Six times, your Majesty. I go every sum¬ 
mer. 

Nosco {whipping the air slowly) Now you see the 
difference between a King and a freeman ... A King is 
not a slave, yet he is not a freedman; he is not a servant, 
yet he is not his own master; he commands everybody, 
yet he can not do as he pleases . . . Markham, what is 
a King? I wish somebody would tell me that! 

Markham The histories say he is a chosen one, your 
Majesty. 

Nosco {slowly) Chosen . . . chosen for what? 


The King of Nolande 


15 


Markham Chosen to govern .the people, I suppose. 
That is what he does, is it not, your Majesty? 

Nosco The very last thing he does is to govern the 
people. He drives them, and kills them, and bulldozes 
them, and strangles ’em, and works ’em, but I tell you, 
Markham, it’s all rot about his governing them. The 
man who assumes that he is able to control the lives of 
millions of people is a madman, a knave, or (shrugs) —a 
humorist! (He picks up the crown from the hassock, 
turning it around curiously, vieiving it from every angle. 
Sighs, puts it down , and looks up wistfully.) This King 
business is getting pretty thin. The people are done with 
us. It was worn out a hundred years ago. Even the 
genius of Napoleon could not revive it. One of these 
long come skirts a big war will bowl us over like ten 
pins. Markham, I’ve a notion to go while the goin’s 
good. 

(Enter a Page, who stands on his toes to whisper 
to Markham.) 

Markham (gently) His Royal Highness, The Heir 
Apparent; Her Majesty, The Queen Consort. ( Smiling¬ 
ly, he holds the portieres wide.) 

(Enter Queen Matilda, and the Nurse, carrying a 
baby [a large doll] in very long, very lacey robes. 
She is attended by two little Pages, one carrying 
zvhite wraps, the other, a tray with bottles on it and 
a silver cup. A Lady in Waiting comes last, all 
smiles and bows and solicitude. Nosco rises.) 

Queen You ought to wear your crown when you are 
viewing The Heir Apparent. My father always did. 

Nose a (looking at the baby) I’m not viewing him as 
a King, but as a father.—Hello, there, Nubbins !—I didn’t 
know he had such a squint! 

Nurse Your Majesty is mistaken. The light hurts 
His Royal Highness’s eyes. ( Markham looks around 
anxiously, and draws the portieres very close.) 

Nosco Oh, is that it? Will his nose get straight? 


16 


The King of Nolandc 


Nurse Your Majesty, the Prince has a beautiful nose. 

Queen He has his grandfather’s nose, hasn’t he, 
mother’s dearest tootsy-wootsy ? Mother’s little man! 

Nosco {indicating the tray) What are these for ? Is 
he sick? 

Nurse Your Majesty, his Royal Highness is not ill, 
but he sneezed this morning at six o’clock. 

Lady Pardon me, it was exactly ten minutes of six 
when he sneezed.—A most violent sneeze, your Majesty. 
It quite frightened us, I assure you. 

Page If he sneezed at ten minutes of six then he 
sneezed twice, ’cause I heard him sneeze at six o’clock, 
right on the dot, and I said to Archibald, “His Royal 
Highness is a-catchini cold.”—Didn’t I, Archibald? 
{The other Page nods gravely ; the Nurse looks highly 
gratifed by this voluntary testimony.) 

Queen {to the Lady) Is it possible he sneezed twice, 
and I was not informed of it? ( There is an accusing 
silence.) You must be more careful.—He frightens us 
terribly, he does, mother’s precious lambkin !—The Court 
physicians do not consider him a strong child. 

Nosco That’s all they know about it.—Won’t they 
even let you sneeze, Nubbins ? It’s hard lines, old man.— 
If his nose straightens out he’ll be a fine looker. He 
doesn’t know me from Adam. How old is he? 

Nurse Three months and five days, your Majesty. 

Lady Pardon me. Three months and seven days.— 
Is it not so, your Majesty? 

Queen Three months and seven days, Madam. You 
are right. 

Nosco You don’t tell me! I thought he would be 
bigger! 

Queen Bless his heart, mother’s only treasure lamb! 
He’s a big boy, so he is, Mother’s tootsy wootsy !—Nurse, 
I think he’s going to sneeze again. {There is great ex¬ 
citement among the women folk.) Rook, his nose is all 
wrinkled up. 

Lady Your Majesty, I think he is trying to smile at 
his father. 


The King of Nolande 17 

Queen No, no, he’s going to sneeze ! Put another robe 
around him! 

Lady Give him some of the cough mixture. (This is 
administered during breathless suspense.) 

Nosco Nubbins, if you were Jeremy Jackson’s boy 
you might sneeze your head off. 

Queen (to the Page) Be ready with the cough mix¬ 
ture . . . There, he is trying to smile, the darling! 

Nosco The poor little rat! He needs more air and 
less clothes ! Well, take him away. I’ll finish this tackle. 
—Good bye, Nubbins ! When you grow up, you can help 
me be King. (The party goes out in state, a process re¬ 
quiring time and manners. Markham, smiling, lends 
what assistance he can. Nosco zvalks around, his hands 
clasped behind him, thinkin*.) 

(Enters a Servant, who confers with Markham.) 

Markham The Court Minstrel, your Majesty. (Nosco 
eyes him silently, and gtfes on pacing the floor.) The 
Court Minstrel, your Majesty. 

Nosco So you remarked before. What about him ? 

Markham He desires to see your Majesty. 

Nosco He wants to sing to me, and I’ve got to sit and 
take it. That’s what comes of being a King! . . . Do 
you know that man can’t sing a little bit? He thinks I 
won’t pay his salary unless he sings to me; I’d pay him 
three times his salary if he wouldn’t sing . . .1 read a 
book once called “Hedged In.” That’s all I remember 
about it, just the title; “Hedged In.” . . . “Hedged In.” 
—Well, bring in the Minstrel Boy! 

Markham (holding open the curtain) The Court 
Minstrel, your Majesty. 

(Enter the Minstrel, dressed like a Real Poet. He 
carries a roll of music, and a ribboned scroll.) 

Minstrel (with graceful bends) Hail to your Maj¬ 
esty! Hail, hail, hail! 


18 


The King of Noiande 


Nosco (coldly ) Good morning. 

Minstrel Permit me to inquire regarding the state of 
your Majesty’s health. I hope I see you well. 

Nosco (curtly ) First rate. How are you? 

Minstrel (his hand on his heart, bowing) Your Maj¬ 
esty is most considerate to ask after the well-being of a 
humble poet. I find myself enjoying uninterrupted good 
health, your Majesty. (He places the music on the table.) 
My gracious Sovereign, permit me to offer you some 
poetic refreshment this beautiful morning. I will read 
an Ode to Posterity, finished but yester-night. (He 
bozos and unrolls the scroll.) 

Nosco (seating himself on the Throne steps) Are you 
going to sing, too ? 

Minstrel Later, if it please your Majesty. 

(Enter the Chancellor, in haste) 

Nosco (with a delighted, zoteked grin) Just in time, 
Chancellor! “Permit me offer you some poetic refresh¬ 
ment this beautiful morning.” 

Chancellor (with a stiff bozo that includes both men ) 
Pardon mv entering in haste, and unannounced. Your 
Majesty, Parliament is assembled, and matters of ur¬ 
gency are up for consideration. They await your 
pleasure. 

Nosco Pm glad to hear it. Just now my pleasure is 
to hear poetry. (The Minstrel is intensely gratified) 
Your arrival is most opportune. Be seated. We’ll hear 
an Ode to Posterity. 

Chancellor Parliament is assembled, your Majesty. 

Nosco So I understand. Be seated. You work too 
hard, Chancellor. You need recreation. Be seated. I 
insist. (The Chancellor seats himself with evident re¬ 
luctance.) Now, let’s hear The Ode. 

Minstrel (having prepared and preened to his satis¬ 
faction, he reads) 


The King of Nolande 


19 


An Ode to Posterity 

“Oh ye projected, though as yet uncome; 

Yet uncompacted atoms yet unpacked,— 

Posterity! 

This bark of thought, my rythmic soul shall guard 
’Til Time shall summon thee! 

Today the myriads gloat on purile prose; 

They ruthless crush the poet’s rose; 

This throbbing Earth, this ball of dirt, 

This orb of junk, this peopled sphere 
Knows not, dreams not that I am Here! 

The world, in selfness curled, 

Rejects my gemlets, as but things for scorn; 

My toots find echo in their hoots, 

The brutes!” 

Nosco (nursing his knees cosily ) That’s going some. 
— Chancellor, what do you think of that? 

Chancellor (stiffly). It is true, your Majesty, that the 
poet’s effusions are often neglected by the world. It 
would seem inevitable that in the pressure of the signifi¬ 
cant affairs of life so slight a thing as poetry should sink 
to the level of a mere amusement. And, if I may be per¬ 
mitted to add, an amusement too often of a frivolous 
nature. 

Nosco (gravely) Just so. (to the Minstrel) Do 
read something else. 

Minstrel Your Majesty, I am flattered,—honored,— 
exalted! How would you like a simple gemlet on The 
Inness of Myself ? 

Nosco (enjoying the Chancellor’s chagrin) No, no, 
give us another Ode. I like your fire-eating style. Pos¬ 
sibly Chancellor would prefer a song, however.—Speak 
up, Chancellor. “Do not be backward about coming 
forward.” 

Chancellor Your Majesty, it is my pleasure to defer 
to your taste in the matter. 


20 


The King of Nolande 


Nosco {leaning back with an air of enjoyment) That’s 
very handsome of you, Chancellor. Then we’ll have a 
song, {to the Minstrel ) Give us something lively. 

Minstrel {opening the music roll) With your grac¬ 
ious permission, {bows to both men with smirking grace) 
I will sing of love. ’Tis the theme best suited to the joy¬ 
ous season of the year. {After some preliminary trills 
and quavers, he sings, with eclat, “In the Gloaming !”) 

Nosco {when the Minstrel has subsided) A man in 
love is a poet; if he lives through it, he is a skeptic. We 
can’t have any more music just now. I’v got to give Par¬ 
liament a round-up. Go sing to the Queen. She’s got 
company today. 

Minstrel {preparing to depart) The Queen is the 
charming patroness of all beautiful things. Your Maj¬ 
esty, {bows to Nosco), my lord, {bows to Chancellor), 
adieu, adieu, adieu! {He bows himself out — sort of 
melts away.) 

Nosco {rising) Well, to return to earth. You say 
Parliament is assembled? Do I make a speech today? 

Chancellor You do, your Majesty. 

Nosco {unjointing the rod) What about? 

Chancellor {rising) The Annexation of Fire Island. 

Nosco {putting the rod in its own box) Do I favor it? 

Chancellor You do, your Majesty. 

Nosco {putting the box in the big box, and banging 
down the lid) Have you got my speech ready? {The 
Chancellor bozos. Rising to ring, Nosco dislodges the fish 
net that hangs over a chair. It falls on the hassock, com¬ 
pletely covering the crown.) I hope it’s type-written. 
Your writing’s frightfully hard to read. And make it 
short. I can’t spend all afternoon reading a speech about 
Fire Island! {He rings the bell again.) Where’s my 
crown ?-—Markham, let this net alone till I get back. And 
don’t touch those books. 

{Enter a Servant.) 

{to the Servant) Go get my cloak, and order the coach. 
{The Servant bozvs, and hurries out.) Where is my crown? 


The King of Nolande 


21 


Chancellor (hunting ) You had it last, your Majesty. 

Nosco ( irritably , hunting in haste) Of course. It’s 
my crown. ( They search in silence.) Go get my speech, 
if you please. And meet me at the coach. ( The Chan¬ 
cellor goes.) Markham, watch out for those books. You 
know my crown’s not under them\ (Bangs around, 
hunting. A Servant comes in with a long crimson cape, 
ermine-lined, puts it on a chair, and retires.) I’ll never 
get anything done, everybody interrupting me this way! 
1 can never do anything I want to. Just as soon as I get 
interested in something, Parliament goes and has a meet¬ 
ing ! I’ll go without my crown. Who cares ? 

Markham (hunting quietly) We’ll find it yet. 

Nosco I don’t care if we don’t. Where’s my scepter? 

I haven’t seen it for an age! 

Markham (spying it under the table) Here it is, your 
Majesty. 

Nosco ( snickering) Almost got lost in the shuffle, 
didn’t it? This scepter is tarnished. ( polishes it with his* 
handkerchief) You make me tired. It’s a pity you can’t 
even keep my scepter in shape. A houseful of servants, 
and I have to polish my own jewelry! 

Markham ( lifting the net) Here’s your crown. ( He 
disentangles it, smiling.) 

Nosco Be careful of that net, you’ll tear it! Watch 
out there! . . . Here, let me! Go get me a clean hand¬ 
kerchief. Hurry! I hear the Chancellor on the stairs. 
He’s mad now as a hornet! Go up the back stairs! 

(Markham goes out on the run. Nosco disentangles 
his crown, with care and patience, unwinds a fish line 
that is wound around it, jams it on, tics the cape around 
his neck in a hard knot, grabs his scepter, and rushes out.) 


( Curtain) 


22 


The King of Nolande 
ACT II 

The Throne Room, Several Days Later 

(The Throne Room. Many books scattered over the 
steps of The Throne , and the King's crimson robe trails 
carelessly over it. The Lord High Chancellor is discov¬ 
ered, waiting. Markham stands by the curtained door.) 

Markham The Duke of Naught, my Lord. ( The 
Chancellor rises.) 

(Enter the Duke of Naught , dapper , correct and 
stylish.) 

Duke Good morning, Chancellor. 

Chancellor (with a profound bozv) Good morning, 
my Lord. 

Duke Are you waiting for the King? 

. Chancellor I am, my Lord- There is more trouble in 
the Northeast Province. 

Duke (seating himself) So I understand. I have 
advised the King to proceed at once to the scene of ac¬ 
tion. Rebellion is not a thing to be tolerated. 

Chancellor (seating himself) Precisely what I ad¬ 
vised, my Lord. I should say that the King’s presence 
is imperative in the Northeast Province at this time. 

Duke He does not seem to have much confidence in 
the Army any more. Have you noticed the change in 
him ? 

Chancellor It gives me pain to state that I have, my 
Lord. {There is a pause.) It gives me pain to acknowl¬ 
edge that your brother does not give the same attention 
to affairs of state that he once did. His attitude toward 
matters of public import seems adverse, if I may be al¬ 
lowed the use of so strong an expression. I may be 
wrong, but so it appears to me. 

Markham {holding aside the portieres) The Minister 
of Finance. 

{Enter the Minister of Finance, with huge ledgers.) 


The King of Nolande 


23 


Minister (a hustling busybody) Good morning, my 
lords. Good morning. ( The men rise and bow with 
great respect.) Where is the King? 

Duke He has gone for an early ride. We expect him 
at any minute. 

Minister (pacing up and dozvn) He must levy a new 
tax immediately. The Treasury is almost empty, and 
Parliament is asking for more warships. We must have 
money. I have informed the King of our condition, but 
he takes no action. 

Chancellor (nodding significantly to the Duke) What 
is our condition, my lord? 

Minister We are defenseless by land and sea. We 
have no modern guns, no airships, no transports. Look 
at our harbors. Look at our coastwise defences. Sup¬ 
pose a hostile power should attack us tomorrow. What 
could we do? We could stand and take it, or run and 
leave it. In any event we would be defeated, my lords 
and gentlemen; defeated with slaughter and rout,— 
thrashed,, in short, within an inch of our lives! We need 
guns, warships, transports, balloons, motors, cannon,— 
everything that makes a nation powerful in defense. Our 
Navy is all run down at the heel. (Off-stage a trumpet 
sounds three times.) 

Markham (solemnly) The King is approaching the 
Palace. 

Minister To compete with our neighbors, we must 
buy these things; to buy these things, we must have 
money; to raise money,’ we must raise the taxes. 

Chancellor How about a new bond issue, my lord? 

4 Minister (raising his right hand to Heaven) Never, 
never, while the breath of life is in my body. I will op¬ 
pose it to my latest hour. Live or die, sink or swim, I 
pin my faith to taxes. 

Duke The King will not raise the taxes, my lord. You 
know that as well as we do. 

Minister (prancing about, highly excited) But he 
must. The safety of the country demands it; Parliament 


24 


The King of Nolande 


demands it; common sense demands it. ( Off-stage a 
trumpet sounds twice.) 

Markham The King has arrived at the Palace. 

Duke He says war is nonsense. 

Minister He is mistaken. War is national life; war 
is the foundation of prosperity. His Majesty must be 
convinced of this. I trust you will pardon the criticism 
of his Majesty that such a position upon my part seems 
to imply, but it is my duty to speak out. The danger of 
the country demands that I no longer gloss matters over. 
The sinews of war are the sinews of national progress; 
show me the nation that is great and powerful; it is a 
fighting nation; show me a nation that is creating 
wealth; it is the fighting nation; show me the nation that 
is getting on in the world,—it is THE FIGHTING NA¬ 
TION ! War is always a possible contingency; the wise 
government is one that keeps its cannon cocked. We 
must talk war until this country rings with it: war, war, 
war; money, money, money; power, power, POWER! 

Chancellor But there is nothing new to tax. 

Duke What do you propose, my Lord? 

Minister (sitting down, tuckered out) I propose to 
put a tax on false hair. It has been exempt on the ground 
of being a necessity; we will make it a luxury. 

Chancellor Then the women will stop wearing it. 

Duke The poorer classes will. The rich women will 
wear more. 

Minister (smiling blandly) We will make all women 
wear it by making it the fashion. 

Duke That is paramount to making it a necessity. 

Minister That is the point. By making false hair the 
fashion, we make it a necessity, but we call it a luxury. 
Such is the nature of women that the fashion is a neces¬ 
sity. The theory is sound. {He spreads his hands.) We 
tax the luxury. 

Markham My lords, the King! ( The men rise in¬ 
stantly.) 


The King of Nolande 


25 


(Enter King Nosco, in a natty riding outfit, boot¬ 
ed and spurred. He carries a broad felt hat, and a 
riding zvhip. Also , he has a red flower on his coat 
lapel.) 

Nosco (buoyantly) Good morning, my lords ! Beau¬ 
tiful morning! You look as solemn as owls! Anything 
the matter? 

Duke (opening his portfolio) Fire Island wants 
home rule. 

Chancellor There is a new outbreak in the Northeast 
Province. 

Minister (dramatically) The Treasury is empty!! 

Nosco Oh, I thought it was something serious! Cheer 
up. IPs a beautiful morning. (He turns, smiling, to the 
Chancellor.) Go to the Northeast Province right away, 
and tell those people—Oh, Markham, bring me my 
crown! (Markham hurries out.) These people are 
right, and they know it. If I lived up there I wouldn’t 
stand for that road. 

Chancellor Pardon me, your Majesty, a revolt is a 
revolt. 

Nosco (seating himself on a chair arm) It is. I 
agree with you. A revolt that is not a revolt is some¬ 
thing else. 

Chancellor Ten more have joined the revolutionists, 
your Majesty. 

Nosco If you had a farm of four acres, and a family 
of eight children, what would you do if the King’s Road 
spoiled your best fields? 

Chancellor (patiently) A revolt is a revolt, your 
Majesty. One can not think of the people in such a 
crisis. 

Nosco (flecking his boot with his zvhip) Just when 
can one think of the people? 

Chancellor (stiffly) Pardon me, your Majesty. A 
King can not put aside questions of state to think about 
the people. 

Nosco (zvith sudden sternness) But questions of 
state have to do with the people. The people are the 


26 


The King of Nolande 


state. The French proved that in 1793, once for all. It 
is a little foible of mine to think of the people. So what 
then? (A silence falls.) 

(Enter Markham) 

Markham Your Majesty, do you remember where you 
had your crown last? 

Nosco No, I don’t. But it doesn’t matter. If these 
gentlemen will pardon me, we’ll hustle through these 
matters without ceremony. 

Chancellor I am of the opinion that your Majesty 
should wear your crown when you are considering ques¬ 
tions of state. 

Duke That is my opinion, your Majesty. 

Minister I concur in this opinion, your Majesty. 

Nosco (to Markham) Then we’ve got to find it. Did 
you ask the Queen? 

Markham Yes, your Majesty. Her Majesty has not 
seen it since yesteday. (He hunts; Nosco drums idly 
with the butt of his whip; the other men zvait with mani¬ 
fest patience.) 

Nosco (springing up) Oh, I know where I left it! 
Excuse me, gentlemen. (He cuts out.) 

Chancellor (after a pause) This delay is very much 
to be regretted. Every hour the revolution is becoming 
more formidable. 

Minister And every hour our position, as a nation 
without defenses, is becoming more precarious. 

(Enter a Servant, with the crown on a purple cushion.) 

* Servant (with a low bow) The King’s crown. 

Markham (taking it) Where did you find it? 

Servant In the summer house. (He backs out of the 
room. The Minister looks over his ledgers; the Duke 
yawns politely; the Chancellor looks straight ahead. 
Markham dusts the crown with his handkerchief, his face 
a study of half-smiling tenderness'.) 

(Re-enter Nosco, twirling a garden rose.) 


The King of Nolande 


27 


Nosco The garden is delicious, and here we sit, croak¬ 
ing of wars and rumors of wars!—Oh, you found it! 
(He puts on the crown carelessly, and re-seats himself on 
the chair arm.) I thought 1 left it in the summer house, 
but it wasn’t there.—Chancellor, go to the Northeast 
Province right away. Send home the Royal Reserve, dis¬ 
charge ninety-five deputies, stop work on the road, pay 
off the workmen, and tell the people to write down exact¬ 
ly what they want. 

Duke Your Majesty, it is rebellion! 

Chancellor (helplessly ) It is revolt! 

Minister (groaning ) It is treason! 

Nosco (beating a tattoo against the chair) Suppose 
it were, gentlemen. Rebellion is the line of most resist¬ 
ance. It is suffering raised to the Nth power. People 
don’t rebel till they have to; it’s too much trouble; it’s 
too dangerous and uncomfortable. And when they do, 
you can’t kill the grievance by shooting everybody in 
sight, (to the Chancellor) Tell the people to write 
down plainly what they want, and bring the petition to 
me. 

Duke Such a course is unprecedented ! 

Chancellor It is untraditional! 

Minister (pounding the table) It is unconstitutional! 

Nosco (zvith a smile, to the Chancellor) Start as 
soon as possible; it’ll take three days the best time you 
can make. (The Chancellor goes , indignant. Nosco 
turns to the Duke, cheerfully.) Fire Island can have 
home rule. Go and tell them so. (The Minister all but 
collapses.) 

Duke But they don’t know enough to rule themselves! 

Nosco My dear brother, show me the man that knows 
enough to rule himself! We’re only strong on ruling the 
other fellow. Let ’em learn, since they think they want 
to. Tell ’em to elect a King, and whoop things up! 

Duke (rising, and speaking, as from a tomb) There 
will be trouble, your Majesty. The people are very igno¬ 
rant. If you’re going to put the power into the hands of 
the people — 


28 


The King of Nolande 


Nosco (genially ) I’m not. They’ve always had it. 
What saves your head and mine is that they don’t know 
it. ( Rising , he holds out his hand.) Good bye, old boy! 
Take care of yourself. Let us know how you come on. 
If there’s any fun going, stay and enjoy it. ( The Duke 
goes , boiling with rage.) —Now, my lord, what did you 
say about the Treasury? 

Minister ( meekly ) It is empty, your Majesty. 

Nosco (seating himself on the lowest step of The 
Throne , and enjoying the rose) Have a chair. I’m in 
no hurry. Now, what do you mean? Haven’t we any 
money at all, — not a dollar ? 

Minister ( opening a big , big ledger) Your Majesty, 
there is enough for current expenses. 

Nosco How many months can we run on what we got? 

Minister Pardon me, that is not the question, your 
Majesty. It is not a question of how long we can run, 
but of how we are running, and what we are running 
into. If I have ten cents, and I’m in debt five cents, I 
am safe, am I not? 

Nosco You are. You’re ahead five cents. 

Minister Precisely. I am ahead five cents. If I have 
ten cents, and have to buy something that costs fifteen 
cents, I am in debt, am I not? 

Nosco If you buy the thing you’re in debt five cents’ 
worth. If you don’t buy, you’re O. K. Well? 

Minister That is our condition in a nut shell. We 
have to buy fifteen cents’ worth, and we have only ten 
cents. 

Nosco Then we won’t buy. 

Minister We must buy. We must buy warships, 
transports, cannon, airships, guns,—everything for de¬ 
fense. We are in danger of total annihilation. 

Nosco ( sitting erect zcnth a jerk) You’re talking War. 
You might as well talk mumbly-peg. I won’t buy any 
more warships; I won’t buy any guns, and I won’t buy 
any transports. I don’t believe the way to run a country 
is to kill off all the able-bodied men, or keep them stand¬ 
ing in a row, dressed up like candy sticks! If I can’t 


The King of Nolande 29 

run this country without war, I’ll resign. Is that all 
today? 

Minister ( wiping his eyes) Your Majesty, we may 
be attacked any hour, and swept off the face of the earth. 
There is not an up-to-date battleship in the Royal Navy; 
if the fact were known abroad, this country would prob¬ 
ably be wiped out of existence within t.wenty-four hours. 

Nosco (gravely ) Then keep it dark. 

Minister But is this official? 

Nosco (stalking up the steps to The Throne, and sit¬ 
ting down with a thud) No more warships, no more 
transports, no more anything that makes war, means 
war, or is war. This is official. 

Minister (gathering up his ledgers) It is suicide, your 
Majesty. It is suicide. We will be cut down like grass, 
—cut down like gr&ss. ( He stumbles out, quite bozved 
with sorrow.) 

Nosco (after a silence, holding out his crown) Mark¬ 
ham, how much will you give me for my crown ? 

Markham (looking up) I have not money enough to 
buy it, your Majesty. 

Nosco I will sell it cheap. It is too small for my head. 

Markham I have not money enough to buy it, your 
Majesty. 

Nosco (regarding it at arm’s length) I don’t seem to 
care any more for the things this crown stands for . . . 
Won’t you even make me an offer, Markham ? 

Markham (looking down, his voice trembling) I have 
not money enough to buy it, your Majesty. 

Nosco (sadly) No, I suppose not ... I suppose not. 
And yet I pay you good wages. Don’t I, Markham, pay 
you good wages ? 

Markham (starts eagerly for The Throne, then, re¬ 
membering that he is a servant, stops short on the second 
step and backs dozvn humbly, standing with sad, lifted 
face) Your Majesty! Your Majesty! You are the 
faithfulest master a man ever had . . . Your Majesty! 

Nosco (after a pause, brusquely) Go watch that 
door! Somebody will shoot me yet, you rascal! (With 


30 


The King of Nolande 


a happy smile Markham returns to his place. Nosco, put¬ 
ting the crown beside him, curls down •with a book to 
read. Markham steals a wistful glance at him now and 
then. Nosco becomes absorbed in his book.) 

{Enter the Queen s Page, who speaks to Markham.) 

Markham Her Majesty, the Queen Consort. 

{Enter Queen Matilda, with her crown on. She 
carries an embroidery frame. With a nod she dis¬ 
misses the Page, who goes out.) 

Queen Oh, are you reading? 

Nosco {not looking up) No, I am trying to read. 

Queen You need not be sarcastic. I am sure I never 
interrupt you . . . This Throne is a ^ight! {She begins 
to pick up books.) It looks like a second-hand shop. 

Nosco Hold on there ! Let those books alone! You’ll 
get me all mixed up! 

Queen But it looks so bad! 

Nosco The inside of my head would look worse if 
they weren't there, {reads) 

Queen {taking his crown up) Your crown needs 
cleaning. Well, I’ll declare, it’s all muddy! . . . Mud, of 
all things! I should think you would be more careful. 
{Cleans it with a laced handkerchief.) It is a beautiful 
crown. (She seats herself beside him, to embroider.) 1 
presume you are reading one of those horrid Socialism 
books. That's what makes you so queer. Everybody is 
talking about it. Queen Agria says it’s Socialism that’s 
the matter with you. She hates the very word. She says 
it makes people crazy. (Nosco, reading, hears none of 
this.) And she says you aren’t a bit like any King she 
ever saw.—Did you hear what I said? She says you 
aren’t a bit like any King she ever saw. (Nosco looks 
up, frowning.) There, you didn’t hear a word! Listen! 
Queen Agria says it’s Socialism that’s the matter with 
you. And she says you aren’t a bit like any King she’s 
ever known. And you aren’t, you know. You aren’t a 
bit like my Father. Are you tired of being King? 


The King of Noland c 


31 


Nosco Yes. 

Queen {with a gasp) Oh, you are? Does anybody 
know? But you’ll have to go on reigning, just the same, 
won’t you ? A King can never be anything but a King. 
He can not turn into a common man again. 

Nosco Do you think my brother would make a good 
King? 

Queen Not so good a King as you if you would be¬ 
have yourself. 

Nosco What do you mean? 

Queen Why, if you would build warships, and wear 
stylish clothes, and kill rebels and—and act like a King, 
you know. And not think Socialism thoughts. I don’t 
think a King ought to have the same thoughts that com¬ 
mon people have. 

Nosco They haven’t, the more’s the pity. How can 
I think other thoughts than the thoughts I have to think? 

Queen But you do not try to think King thoughts. 
You would rather think common thoughts. {There is a 
painful silence.) Well, you’d better see Agria. She’s 
waited long enough for an audience, goodness knows. 
Poor thing, she cries all the time. You must wear your 
crown when you talk with her. I’ll go bring her in. 
{She goes out with sad dignity.) 

Nosco {having read a page or two, banging the book 
shut) There, I’ve finished that chapter, if I never read 
another! {He rises, yaivns, puts on his crown, then takes 
it off, to hold it in both hands, staring at it.) A crown. 
{regards it from every angle) A crown. It’s no great 
thing. And my boy’ll have to wear one all his life. I’d 
rather break rocks on an uphill farm than wear the thing. 
I would. But what can I do ? I can’t strike; I can’t re¬ 
volt ; I can’t mutiny. There’s nothing a King can do but 
stand it. And my boy’s got to be King. {He slams it 
on, and sits dozun to read.) 

{Enter the Queen s Page, who confers with Markham.) 

Markham Her Majesty, the Queen Consort, and Queen 
Agria. 


32 


The King of Nolande 


{Enter Queen Matilda, royal-robed and crowned, 
and Queen Agria, the latter in prof ound and trailing 
mourning, attended by a Lady and a Page, both in 
mourning.) 

Nosco {rising, with sympathy in his face, and step¬ 
ping to the floor, book in hand) Queen Agria, I am glad 
to see you, and to hear what you have to say. I hope I 
may be able to do something for you. {She kneels) 
Madam, do not kneel. I—I—er—I am not that sort of a 
King. Please get up . . . Oh please get up !—Markham, 
place chairs for the ladies.—Now, what can I do for you, 
Madam ? 

Agria {taking smelling-salts from the Lady) I have 
only one favor to ask of you, King Nosco. I want you 
to help me get my kingdom back. 

Nosco {re-seating himself on The Throne) I can not 
promise to do that, Madam. 

Agria {weeping effectively) But you will promise 
when you have heard my story. My husband has been 
dead many years. My sons are dead. I am alone in the 
world. {The Queen presses her hand, the Lady and Page 
are nigh to tears.) For ten years I ruled, and there was 
peace and happiness in my kingdom. Then a stranger 
came to my Court. He was an American, they said, and 
I entertained him. He was made much of by my Court. 
We did all we could for him. 

Nosco {wagging his head with sympathy) I am sure 
you did, Madam. 

Agria He gave lectures. He wrote books. He had 
wonderful ideas about Kings and Queens, and the people 
thought he was great. He said he was Socialist, and he 
said — 

Nosco {eagerly, leaning forward) A Socialist? What 
were some of his books? Where is he now? What did 
he lecture about? Did he believe in war? What was 
his name? Was he clever? 

Agria I can not speak of him, your Majesty. It agi¬ 
tates me too much. He is now King of my realm, and I 


The King of Nolande 


33 


am an outcast. ( The Lady and Page minister to her , 
dissolved in tears.) 

Nosco He must be a very clever sort of person. 

Agria He may be a very clever person, but he is a 
very wicked person. He is as ingrate; a base ingrate. 
(The Queen soothes her.) Enough of him. Let his name 
perish from the annals of history! What I want you to 
do is to go there with an army, and kill him, and get my 
kingdom back. 

Nosco I can not do that, Madam. 

Agria You say you wish to help me, and that is all 
you can do for me. And people say you are a good King. 
(She zveeps.) 

Nosco But Madam, think what you ask me to do. I 
can not take my soldiers into a foreign country, and kill 
the King because he is a Socialist. I don’t think he can 
be a Socialist, anyway. Socialists don’t believe in Kings ; 
they are for hanging them all on sight. 

Agria (weeping gracefully) I want my kingdom 
back! I want my kingdom back! I did not think you 
could be so cruel. And they told me you were such a 
good King! 

Nosco (distressed) Please do not cry. Madam, 
please! (She zveeps persistently , the Lady and Page be¬ 
ing in tears.) Madam, you will make yourself sick; you 
will indeed. 

Agria I want my kingdom back! I want my kingdom 
back! Oh that I should live to see this day! 

Nosco Indeed, Madam, you will be sick! ... I tell 
you what to do. Please listen. Live here in my king¬ 
dom. Get busy. Can you paint china ? 

Agria (sitting very straight) I am a Queen! 

Nosco (earnestly) Forget it. You’re welcome to all 
we got, but of course you must have something to do, 
then you won’t think about your troubles. Let me think. 
Learn dressmaking. That’s the ticket! 

Agria I? . . .1 am a Queen! (The Queen motions 
Nosco to desist.) 


34 


The King of Nolande 


Nosco But you needn’t tell it. Besides, no person of 
sense will hold it up against you. You could make a fine 
living at dressmaking.—Couldn’t she? ( to the agitated 
and indignant Queen.) 

Agria (rising ) King Nosco, hear me. Once for all, 
hear me. I came unfriended to your Court. I am a poor, 
defenseless, exiled woman, but you shall not make light 
of my misfortunes. I am alone in the world, but you 
shall not affront my dignity. I was born a Queen; I shall 
live and die a Queen. I ask you to get my kingdom back, 
and what do you answer me? You advise me to learn 
dressmaking! I ask you to kill the man who stole my 
throne, and what do you ask me; if I can paint china ? 
I, with the proudest blood of the House of Schlossberger- 
Hammer in my veins! I, the daughter of a King; I, 
the widow of a King; I, a Queen in my own right; I, the 
mother of Princes! What manner of King are you that 
you dare propose such a thing? I expected kindness and 
sympathy, and I find none. Your heart is hard and cruel; 
your professions of friendship, a hollow mockery. Fare¬ 
well ! (The Lady supports her , the Page fluttering 
around them , half distraught.) 

Nosco (surprised and rattled) Why, Madam, I— 
er—I—I er hope you will stay here with us. You’re wel¬ 
come. (to the Queen) You tell her she is. 

Agria (grandly) You teach me how a beggar should 
be answered. There is no place in the world for 
an outcast. I am alone, alone! Oh, that I should live to 
see this hour! Struck down by the hand of a friend, de¬ 
serted on the very threshold of Hope! Farewell, Oh 
false and cruel King! (The party goes out, Agria in a 
fine frenzy.) 

Nosco Now what do you know about that? Do you 
know much about women ? 

Markham No, your Majesty. 

Nosco (staring at the door) I don’t know what ails 
that woman. 

(A Servant comes, and speaks to Markham.) 


The King of Nolandc 


35 


Markham The Lord High Chancellor. 

{Enter the Chancellor) 

Chancellor {bozving ) Your Majesty, the King of the 
Feejee Islands has just arrived at the Palace, and desires 
to pay his respects to your Majesty. 

Nosco The Feejee Islands. The Feejee Islands. That’s 
a new game on me. Is that a Chinese word ? Where are 
those islands ? 

Chancellor They are—they are, er, the Feejee Islands 
are in the South Sea, your Majesty. 

Nosco I’ve never heard of them. Is he a big King? 

Chancellor About your size, your Majesty. 

Nosco What’s he doing so far away from home? 

Chancellor He is traveling for pleasure, your Majesty. 

Nosco {dimpling) Oh ! Just for fun! 

Chancellor {bozving) Pardon me, your Majesty. I 
said for pleasure. 

Nosco {looking him squarely in the eye) And I said 
for fun. I’ll see that King. He must be a pretty good 
sort. Give him my compliments, and say I’ll be glad to 
See him. All of you tog up, and bring him in, and tell 
the Queen he’ll be here to lunch. {The Chancellor bozvs , 
and zvitlidrazvs. Nosco rises , and looks himself over.) 
Are these clothes good enough to see a real King in ? I 
haven’t time to change. 

Markham I think so, your Majesty. 

Nosco Please get my chain, and the ribbons and 
things I wear when I got to. They’ll help some. {Mark¬ 
ham goes hastily.) He’s a good sort. Any King that 
gets out just for fun is the right sort. {He polishes his 
boots zvith his handerchief.) Maybe he’s making a tour 
of the world. I wish I might. {Markham brings in his 
regalia.) Is my crown on straight? I wonder is he a 
Socialist? Straighten out that table. Everything looks 
like the deuce. {He puts on his regalia.) My scepter’s 
in the tackle box. I had it yesterday. And fix that rug. 
{He stozvs azvay the book under The Throne.) Do you 
know anything about the Feejees? 


36 


The King of Nolande 


Markham There was a picture of a Feejee in my geog¬ 
raphy at school. He had hair like a tumbleweed. 

Nosco {rubbing up his scepter) I guess they’re a 
mighty fine people, *or he wouldn’t be out seeing the 
world. He’d be at home buying warships and cutting 
people’s heads off. 

Markham (taking his place by the portieres ) Yes, 
your Majesty, he probably would. 

(Enter a resplendent Page, and confers until Mark¬ 
ham.) 

Markham Are you ready to see the Court, your 
Majesty? 

Nosco I am. ( The Page goes out) Do you know I 
think this is going to be something worth while, this 
King ? 

Markham Yes, your Majesty. ( Nosco sits erect, list- 
ening f eager.) The Court, your Majesty. And King 
Rococo, of the Feejee Islands. 

{Enter the Court. The Lord High Chancellor , 
with the King of the Feejee Islands, got up in bar¬ 
baric splendor with certain concessions to European 
prejudices. The Executioner , with his Axe, the Duke 
of Naught, the Minister, the Minstrel, two dandified 
courtiers, and two little Pages. The entrance is 
ceremonial.) 

Chancellor {advancing) Your Majesty, King Rococo, 
of the Feejee Islands. 

Nosco {stepping to the floor) I am glad to see you. 
King Rococo, {extends his hand) Mighty glad. 

Rococo {with a territorial grin) I’m glad to see you. 
I’ve heard a heap about your kingdom. 

Nosco I don’t know why you should. We do things 
the same old way here. This is my Court, you see; just 
the same as other courts. This is my Lord High Chan¬ 
cellor. You just caught him in time. He’s going away 
tonight, on a peace mission.—Chancellor, shake hands 
with King Rococo. {The Chancellor shakes hands with 


The King of Nolande 


37 


ramrod dignity.) The Lord High Executioner. ( The 
Executioner stalks forward in a bloodthirsty manner.) 
He does a good deal of damage with his little hatchet— 
if I don’t see him first!—Shake hands with King Rococo, 
my lord. Here is my Minister of Finance, Lord Fire- 
bugg. He wants to fight all the time, whether or no. 
(■Firebugg extends a hearty hand.) This is the Court 
Minstrel. ( The Minstrel glides forward, gazing soulfully 
at Rococo.) He writes poetry; that’s the worst thing I 
know about him. And this is my brother, the Duke of 
Naught. (The dapper Duke steps forward haughtily, 
and shakes hands ditto.) He’d make a fine King if he 
had half a chance. And this is Lord Nabob, and Lord 
Elite. All they have to do is to stand around and look 
stylish. And these little shavers are for style, too.— 
Boys, shake hands with a real King. (The Pages ad¬ 
vance timidly, rather awed.) 

Rococo (sizing up the array) It’s a hangup good 
Court. I have just one man to help me. 

Nosco That’s a good idea. Two men ought to be 
enough to run any kingdom. (He mounts the Throne 
steps.) Come up here, and sit with me. (Rococo mounts 
the steps briskly, and sits down like a man of business.) 
What do you call the man who helps you run things ? 

Rococo (leaning back with an air) The Big Chief. 

Nosco Big Chief. Head Chief. I see. That’s the 
same as my Chancellor, I suppose. Is he King while 
you’re away? 

Rococo Yes. He knows more about the King busi¬ 
ness than I do. And then, he likes it better. 

Nosco Don’t you like to be King? (He turns to the 
Court.) You people can go now. (He seats himself, 
and one by one the members of the Court approach The 
Throne, bow, and retire backzvard.) 

Rococo (when they have gone) All that bowin’ takes 
a heap o’ time. 

Nosco We do it only when we have company. , I’d cut 
it all out, but the Chancellor won’t. 


38 The King of Nolande 

Rococo Why don’t you make him? You’re King, 
ain’t you? 

Nosco A King can’t make anybody do anything. Do 
you do as you please? 

Rococo Pretty much. 

Nosco I don’t. I never have. (There falls a silence, 
the Kings looking each other over thoughtfully.) Don’t 
you like to be King? 

Rococo There are a good many things I’d rather be. 

Nosco (rising) Give me your hand. ( Grinning, 
Rococo rises and they shake, as men who understand.) 
Let’s take off our crowns. (They take them off, and 
Nosco sheds some of his regalia.) —Markham, put these 
things on the table.—Now we can be comfortable. How 
many people are there in your kingdom ? 

Rococo I don’t know. They are born so fast and die 
so slow that I don’t count ’em. What’s the use? They’re 
all there. 

Nosco (snickering) Are you a Socialist? 

Rococo I don’t know. What is it? Maybe I am one 
and don’t know it yet. 

Nosco It’s where you want every man to have as many 
rights as the next one, and the land belongs to every¬ 
body. I’m one, but I don’t know much about it yet. I’m 
studying up. (He digs around under The Throne, and 
gets out a lot of books.) I’ll let you have some of my 
books. It’s a wonder you haven’t heard of it. You’d 
make a fine Socialist. What are you doing? Just out 
for fun? 

Rococo (grinning) I’m out studying the different 
kinds of governments. I got so tired of reigning I 
thought I’d get out and see the world. I tell you a King 
gets all musty stayin’ in one place, and doin’ things like 
his grandfather did. 

Nosco (snickering) Or like his father-in-law did. 
That’s the Limit. Have you a father-in-law? 

Rococo (snickering) He’s dead. His head was—er 
cut off just before I came'to the throne. (They snicker 
like two naughty boys.) 


The King of Nolande 


39 


Nosco (curling up sociably ) Do you hear much about 
the way he did things ? 

Rococo ( winking ) Not on your life! “Every dog 
has his day!” 

Nosco Do the women in your country vote? 

Rococo No, but it’s because they don’t want to. I’d 
let ’em. We run a Republic with a King Attachment. 

Nosco I wish you’d stay a week! Are you going to 
America ? 

Rococo You bet. But I’m going in cog., wouldn’t 
you? 

Nosco Of course. They think so much of a King over 
there that it would be worth your life to wear your 
crown. 

Rococo I’m going to See-Au-Go. That’s the state 
where all the pork comes from. I got a great scheme. I 
figger that See-Au-Go pork can be packed in theTeejee 
Islands just as well as in See-Au-Go. It’s the name that 
sells it. We’ve got the pigs, and we’ve got the nerve, but 
we haven’t got the name. See? 

Nosco How are you going to work it? 

Rococo (sinking comfortably lower on his spine) It’s 
a great scheme. ( He points inquiring at Markham’s 
back.) Why, man, there’s millions in it! 

Nosco ( indicating Markham) Safe as a tombstone. 
Old friend of mine. Go on. 

Rococo I’m going over there, and ( lie leans forivard) 
learn the process. 

Nosco (nodding ) Steal the patent? 

Rococo Steal the patent. I figger that what can be 
done in America can be done in Feejee if you have Amer¬ 
ican brains. It ain’t location, man; it’s BRAINS. ( Off¬ 
stage there is a booming sound. Rococo starts.) What’s 
that? 

Nosco (rising) Twelve o’clock. That’s Lord Fire- 
bugg’s idea,—to shoot off a cannon instead of blowing 
the whistle for the factory hands. It wastes a lot of pow¬ 
der, and makes everybody jump, but Firebugg says it 
keeps up the war spirit. He’s clean daft on war. ( The 


40 


The King of Nolande 


booming sounds again.) And every time I turn around 
somebody blows a trumpet. That’s the way they did in 
my father-in-law’s time. It makes me feel like an auc¬ 
tion sale, (rises) Let’s go see the horses before lunch. 
And I’ve got two dandy Irish setters. 

Rococo When I get home I’ll send you a dog that is 
a dog. (They step dozvn.) 

Nosco I wish you’d stay a week. I haven’t had such 
a good time I don’t know when. We’d better put on our 
crowns. We may run into the Chancellor. He thinks 
a crown is everything. (They tog up, snickering, with 
many flourishes.) When we get to the stables we can 
take them off. He doesn’t like horses. That’s a fine 
crown you got. (examines it) Tomorrow we can do as 
we please. I never reign on Saturdays. Let’s go fishin’. 

Markham (warningly) The Lord High Chancellor! 

Nosco Tell him I’m not reigning now. 

Markham (excitedly) But he’s right here! 

Nosco Heavens !—Let’s hide out! Come on ! (He runs 
up the Throne steps, and ducks behind it, his spurs catch¬ 
ing on his cape as he runs. Rococo stumbles after him, 
snickering and dropping things.) 

(Re-enter the Chancellor, in haste.) 

Chancellor (with papers in his hand) This is most 
unfortunate. It is imperative that the King sign these 
papers before my departure. Where is he? 

Markham He said he was going to the stables, my 
lord. I have not seen him since. (The Chancellor walks 
out, head up.) 

Nosco (bobbing up from behind The Throne, his 
crown over one eye) “Good eye, Mr. Umpire!”—Come 
on, let’s take a sneak! (They descend cautiously, Nos- 
co’s spur, catching in his cape, almost throwing him.) 

Markham Somebody’s coming! Watch out! (The 
Kings stand, snickering, listening, ready to flee. Nosco 
takes off his spurs and puts them in his pocket.) It’s 
Queen Agria ! She’s right here! 


The King of Nolande 


41 


Nosco (flying up the steps, dragging Rococo zvith 
him) We’re in for it! Sit down, man, sit down! 
(Snickering they sink on The Throne.) 

(Enter Queen Agria, unattended, in haste and 
in agitation.) 

Agria (stepping grandly to the foot of The Throne 
steps) Pardon me, your Majesty, for intruding myself 
upon you again — 

Nosco ( rising , his crown over one eye, but grave as a 
judge) That’s all right. Let me present my friend, 
King Rococo, of the Feejee Islands.—Your Majesty, 
Queen Agria, at present a guest of our Court. 

Rococo (rising and making tzvo choppy little bows) 
Madam, I hope you’re first rate. 

Agria (zvith a graceful bend) Hearing that a stranger 
had come to the court I determined to throw myself upon 
his mercy. (Rococo looks scared, but faces the pathetic 
music.) I am a woman without a home, a Queen without 
a Kingdom, an outcast without a friend. Perchance you 
are the one sent to help me; perchance your feet (Rococo 
looks at his feet hastily) have been guided to this alien 
shore that I may find in you a friend. 

Nosco (stepping to the floor, sorry and rattled) 
Won’t you be seated, your Majesty?—Markham, place a 
chair. 

Agria (loftily, ignoring Nosco and the chair) King 
Rococo, I address myself to you, and to you alone. I, an 
alien, address myself to you, a stranger. 

Rococo (standing awkwardly ) What’s the matter of 
you, Madam? I don’t get you. 

Agria (breaking down) I want my kingdom back! 
I want my kingdom back! I ask you, I, a lonely and 
forsaken woman, ask you will you take your soldiers, 
and go into my country, and kill the man who stole my 
kingdom ? Speak, speak, oh speak! Have you the 
courage of a man? 



42 


The King of Nolande 


Rococo How far is your kingdom ? ( Nosco, standing 

by his side, crown atilt , zvith his hands in his pockets, 
looks at her gravely.) 

Agria (bitterly ) You hesitate. You waste time. You 
palter with words. You ask questions. Your eyes seek 
the ground. You weigh your thoughts. You seek ex¬ 
cuses. Can it be you are a selfish coward? Perish the 
thought! I ask you once again. I ask you once for all, 
will you or will you not help me get my kingdom back? 

Rococo (changing his weight to the other foot) Who 
took your kingdom ? 

Agria (zvith a despairful gesture of disdain) More 
questions! More evasions! Ah, Kings are not what 
they were! Time was, when a King, seeing a woman in 
distress, would leap to her assistance. He would not 
sheathe his sword until her wrongs were avenged. Your 
heart is cold, your blood is ice. Pardon my intrusion. I 
thought you were a KING! ( She sweeps out zvith splen¬ 
did hauteur.) 

Rococo ( grinning) Where is her kingdom? She’s 
a fine looker. 

Nosco She’s an International Complication. Let’s cut 
out for the stables. ( They go down the steps.) 

Markham ( in a panic at the door) Wait a minute! 
I think somebody’s coming! ( The Kings pause, listen¬ 
ing and snickering.) It’s the Minstrel!! 

Nosco (hopping up the steps, dragging Rococo after 
him) He’s the worst yet! Duck—duck, I say! ( They 
dodge behind The Throne.) 

(Enter the Minstrel, with white gloves on, and 
music.) 

Minstrel Ah, The Throne is left unto me vacant! I 
had thought to beguile the Kings with a pleasant ballad. 
“I feel like one who treads alone 
Some banquet hall deserted; 

Whose lights are fled, whose garlands dead, 

And all but he departed.” 


The King of Nolande 


43 


Be it so; be it so. I will sing tfo The Throne, whence 
my King has departed. 

(After some preliminary poses and thrills and quavers, 
he sings Tosti’s “ Dreams .” “I dream of the day I met 
you; I dream of the light divine . . . ” As he sings with 
growing fervor, he turns his back upon The Throne, 
pouring out his sentimental heart in an abandonment of 
self-appreciation. Nosco and Rococo keep bobbing up 
and down, behind The Throne, applauding in pantomime. 
As the Minstrel rises, on tiptoe, to the full force of the 
impassioned climax, “I shall love thee, forever, as long 
as my heart shall beat !” the Kings tiptoe out, Markham 
holding the curtains for them.) 

( Curtain) 


ACT III 

The Throne Room, Two Weeks Later 

{The Throne Room. The Throne in order, and the 
room cleared, save for a handsome carved chair, and two 
tall floor vases of roses. Markham , sad-faced, stands 
looking at The Throne, as if the end of all things were 
come.) 

{Enter Lord Nabob) 

Nabob They’re coming in a minute. Is everything 
ready ? 

Markham Yes. 

Nabob {changing the position of a vase) The Throne’s 
all slicked up, isn’t it? The Queen looks stunning. But 
she hates to give it up . . . What’s the matter with you? 

Markham There is nothing the matter with me. {He 
takes his position by the door.) What should be the mat¬ 
ter with me ? 


44 


The King of Nolande 


Nabob (preening himself) You look as if you’d 
spent your last cent the day before yesterday. We’re 
safe enough. Everything will go on just the same. 

Markham I know that. 

Nabob If anybody loses out it will be old Firebugg. 
The people hate him for raising the taxes. But you 
needn’t be scared. Your father served the old King, 
didn’t he? 

Markham He did. 

Nabob Then Nosco will see that you’re taken care of. 
Anybody that knew his father can have all he’s got. 

Markham I know that. 

Nabob (shrugging ) Then what’s the us of getting a 
grouch ? One King’s as good as another. What do you 
care? It all comes in a lifetime. ( Off-stage, a trumpet 
sounds three times.) The Court is coming. Take it easy, 
my boy. Take it easy. ( He goes, laughing,) 

Markham (gazing sadly at The Throne) “It all 
comes in a lifetime.” (Spying a small book on the last 
step , he picks it up, turns several leaves slozvly, and puts 
it in his pocket.) The King is right to go away and leave 
us. They do not know him here. They have never 
known him. ( Off-stage , the trumpet sounds a long, clear 
single note.) “One King’s as good as another.” . . . 
“One King’s as good as another.” 

(Enter a Courtier) 

Courtier (gravely) The Court is coming. 

{Enter, with a flourish, King Nosco and Queen 
Matilda, in f ull regalia, her train being carried by a 
Page; the Nurse, with the Heir Apparent, attended 
by a Page; the Duke of Naught, in royal togs, the 
Chancellor, the Executioner, the Minister, the Min¬ 
strel, all in court dress, and Queen Agria, attended 
by her Lady, and Lords Nabob and Elite. As they 
enter, slozvly, they range themselves in two wings, 
extending on either side of The Throne. The King 
and Queen stand in front-of The Throne, zvith their 
backs to it.) 


The King, of Nolande 


45 


Nosco (when all movement has ceased, giving his hand 
to the Queen) Come, your Majesty. ( They go up the 
steps, and seat themselves on The Throne, the Page ad¬ 
justing the Queen’s train, then standing aside. Nosco 
looks toward the Chancellor, and nods.) Now, Chan¬ 
cellor. 

Chancellor (bowing to the King, then to the Court) It 
is the King’s pleasure to address the Court on a matter 
of grave importance to the State. ( The Nurse wipes her 
eyes; the Pages are sniffling.) 

Nosco (rising) As most of you know, I have been 
tired of being King for a long while now. And as I don’t 
think that a man can be a good King when he would 
rather be something else, I am going to give my crown, 
to my brother, the Duke of Naught. He says he would 
like to be a King, and if he feels that way about it, most 
likely he will make a fair sort of King. The Heir Ap¬ 
parent can not be King for at least twenty years, and I 
don’t propose to farm out this kingdom to a lot of lords 
who will fight among themselves, and maybe kill my boy 
before he grows up. I don’t mean anything personal by 
this, but you know the thing has been done, and I’m not 
going to take any risks. When he grows up he can be 
King if he wants to; it’ll be up to him. I know some of 
you think I have no right to give away my crown, but 
J do not agree with you. I have come to the conclusion 
that a King has as much right to strike as a working¬ 
man. Every man has a right to revolt if he wants to, 
and I have revolted. ( Markham , motionless at the cur¬ 
tain, is sorrozv-pierced by every word.) The day is com¬ 
ing when a King will have the same rights as other men. 
Of course I could have stirred up trouble, and made this 
government over, but I don’t believe in changing things 
with a gun. When I have to shoot a man to convince 
him, I’ll obliterate myself first. It’s your country, and 
you can run it as you please. Before I take off my 
crown I want to thank you for helping me run this king¬ 
dom. And the Queen wants to thank you, too. We know 
that you will help the new King in the same way, and be 


46 


The King of Nolande 


just as happy as you were before. Thank you, every¬ 
body. And good luck to you all. (to the Queen) Please 
rise, your Majesty. (The Weeping Queen rises. He 
takes off her crozvn, and takes her scepter, laying them 
gently on The Throne seat. The women weep silently. 
The Minstrel is all but dissolved.) Chancellor! (The 
Chancellor steps forward , and assists the ex-Queen down, 
and to the chair, where she seats herself. Nosco watches 
the weeping women with distress.) You must not feel 
bad about this. Please do not cry. You ought to be glad 
that I will be happier where I am going. Every man has 
a right to be happy in his own way; that’s in the United 
States Declaration of Principles. (Markham wipes his 
eyes.) Chancellor, escort the Duke of Naught to The 
Throne, if you please. (The Chancellor escorts the Duke. 
Nosco motions him to kneel.) I, Nosco III, King of No¬ 
lande, vested with sovereign power, crown you, Richard, 
Duke of Naught, in the presence of the Court. (He 
takes off his crown and puts it on the kneeling Duke's 
head, then hands him the scepter.) May you have a long 
and prosperous reign, and the love of all your people. 
Rise, King of Nolande! (The new King rises to his feet. 
The women sob outright.) Long live the King! 

Court (in various stages of semi-collapse) Long live 
the King! Long live the King. (Nosco steps briskly 
down.) 

Duke (standing in front of The Throne, lonesome 
enough) Nosco, come back! (Nosco turns, irresolute.) 
Come sit on The Throne with me! 

Nosco I can’t. I’m not King any more. 

Duke As long as you are in this country, you are 
King. (The Court applauds .) You see how we all feel 
about it.—Chancellor, bring him back ! (The Chancellor 
offers his arm to Nosco, and escorts him to The Throne.) 

Nosco (seating himself by the King) I haven’t any¬ 
thing else to say. 

Queen (sobbing) Tell them where we’re going. 

Nosco Everybody knows where we’re going. 

Queen But they have not been told o—o—officially. 


The King of Nolandc 


47 


Kosco (smiling ) I see.—We’re going to America, 
and live on Wall Street. That’s where all the million¬ 
aires live, and all the big banks are, with the Goddess of 
Liberty in front, blind-folded. I guess I’ll be a broker; 
that’s the biggest business over there. I’m going to 
make my own money, and spend it as I please. 

Nurse (weeping) Pardon me, your Majesty,—I 
mean, my Lord, but will you take the Heir Apparent 
with you right away ? 

Nosco Of course. He isn’t the Heir Apparent any 
more. People shall never throw it up to him, “Your 
Father was a King!” But they won’t over there. In 
America nobody cares what you are so you got money 
and mind your own business. But you mustn’t cry. You 
can go with him if you want to.—That reminds me. If 
any of you want to go over, now’s your chance. It won’t 
cost you a cent. ( There is silence. He looks toward the 
Executioner.) My lord, Jeremy Jackson’s going. 

Executioner (bozving sadly) So I understand. I 
hope he will make a desirable citizen. 

Nosco (grinning ) But you very much doubt it. How 
about yourself? 

Executioner Your Majesty, I feel it my duty to stay in 
my own country. 

Nosco Then you’d better stay.—Chancellor, how does 
the proposition strike you? 

Chancellor (bowing ) Your Majesty is very kind, but 
I feel that I must decline the invitation. 

Nosco Well, well, can’t I stir up any pioneer blood?— 
How about you, Lord Firebugg? They’ve got plenty of 
warships over there, and a standing army that never sits 
down. 

Minister (sadly) Your Majesty,—pardon me, my 
Lord, you will forgive me. Much as I am attached to 
your Majesty’s person, I feel that it is my duty to remain 
at home. My work is here, my Lord. 

Nosco No doubt you are right. (He looks tozvard the 
Minstrel.) And you ? 


48 


The King of Nolande 


Minstrel A poet’s place is at his own fireside, your 
Majesty. He must sing the songs of his native land. 
But this parting tears my heart in twain. ( He dissolves 
again,) 

Nosco Then Jeremy Jackson and I will have to fight 
it out together. ( Markham, at the door , is steadfastly 
regarding Nosco.) But you’re all right on the matter; 
if you’re happy here, this is the place for you. My broth¬ 
er will need all of you. ( He turns to the Duke.) Send 
the Court away. The business is done. 

Duke (rising) The Court is dismissed. ( Nosco steps 
briskly to the floor, taking his place behind the Queen’s 
chair. One by one , the Courtiers, after bowing profound¬ 
ly to Nosco and the Queen, approach The Throne, bow, 
and leave the room, with the usual several steps backward 
from The Throne.) 

Nosco (as Agria approaches) You stay. I want to 
talk with you. (The last Courtier having gone , the new 
King sits down, sighing happily.) Queen Agria, we want 
you to go to America with us. Come on. The trip will 
do you good. You can come back when you want to. 

Agria Your Majesty is very kind, but I can not think 
of pleasure now. I must get my kingdom back. 

Nosco Oh, give that up. Come on, and be a good fel¬ 
low ! Come to America and be a Suffragette if you want 
to see big fighting. 

Queen (looking out from her handkerchief) You 
could marry a millionaire, and he would buy your king¬ 
dom back. 

Nosco Don’t you think he would. There’s not money 
enough in the King’s business for an American,—not in 
1912 . 

Agria (to the Queen) Your Majesty forgets that it 
was an American who stole my kingdom. 

Duke (rising formally) I shall be very glad to have 
Queen Agria stay here at the Court, as my guest. 

Agria (with a tragic bow) Your Majesty, I will stay 
until I get my kingdom back. And may Heaven reward 


The King of Nolandc 


49 


your kindness to an outcast! (She 'turns coldly to Nos- 
co.) Your poor wife is broken-hearted. 

Queen (sobbing) I do not want to go to America. I 
would rather be a Queen. 

Nosco (patting her on the shoulder) You won’t mind 
it when you get used to being a woman. 

Queen (rising) I am glad my poor Father did not 
live to see this day. (The Page takes up her train.) 

Agria (putting her arm around the Queen) Come, 
my dear. Man do not understand. 

Queen (looking coldly at Nosco) My father was a 
King. He did not read Socialism books. 

Agria (weeping) My husband never saw a Socialism 
book, but now Kings are different. Come, my dear. 
(They go, weeping, attended by the sniffling Pages and 
Agria's Lady, much oppressed.) 

Nosco (having studied Markham's back in silence a 
long moment) Markham! 

Markham (starting) Your Majesty—I mean, my 
Lord! 

Nosco What are you going to do ? 

Markham I do not know, your Majesty—I mean, my 
Lord. 

Duke Markham will stay with me.—Won’t you, Mark¬ 
ham? 

Markham (steadily) Yes, your Majesty. 

Duke I’ll give you a better place, Markham. You can 
have anything you ask for. 

Markham Yes, your Majesty. 

Nosco Markham, come here. 

Markham Yes, my Lord. 

Nosco (unfastening his royal robe) Take this robe. 
(hands it to Markham) Take this star. (He unfastens 
a decoration.) And this ribbon. (Takes a band that 
crosses his breast, and hands it to Markham.) Give them 
to the King.—Put them on, your Majesty. (Markham 
assists the Duke to put the things on, then steps to the 
floor, the picture of sadness.) 


50 


The King of Nolande 


Nosco ( gently, leaning on the chair's hack) Markham, 
how many years have you served me ? 

Markham (standing by The Throne steps) Eighteen 
years, your Majesty—I mean, my Lord. 

Nosco You mean you've stood at that door eighteen 
years, patient as a monument. But really you've served 
me ever since I was a little shaver in kilts, haven't you ? 

Markham Yes, your Majesty. 

Nosco And we waded in the fishpond, and you caught 
crawfish for me. 

Markham (steadily ) Yes, your Majesty. 

Nosco (relentlessly ) Your father served my father 
all his life, didn’t he? 

Markham Your Majesty has a good memory. 

Nosco Yes, I have a good memory ... I remember 
the day you dived to the bottom of the lake for me ... 
Markham, will you go to America with me ? 

Markham ( falteringly ) Your Majesty! Your Maj¬ 
esty ! 

Nosco It's a new country, and they say every man has 
a chance there. “America, the Golden Land," that's what 
our peasants call it ( He lifts his head proudly, and holds 
out his hand.) Will you go? ( Markham springs joyously 
tozvard him, and, seizing his hand, makes as if to lift it to 
his lips.) No, no, no more of that. As man to man, 
Markham! ( They shake hands earnestly.) Let’s go to 
the fishpond. I haven’t seen a crawfish in a hundred 
years ! (He inhales a long, full breath, then nods blithely 
to the King.) See you later, your Majesty! (They go 
out, Nosco's arm around Markham's shoulder.) 

Duke (taking off his crown to look at it) A crown. 
(He turns it around and around, feasting his eyes on it.) 
And it’s mine! (He puts it on carefully, then examines 
the Star.) I am a King! I am a King! 


(Curtain) 


51 


The King of Nolande 
EPILOGUE 

The: Private Office of Mr. Ferdinand Nosco, 
Five Years Later 

(The Private Office of Ferdinand Nosco. A well-ap¬ 
pointed business office. Mr. Nosco is seated at a big 
desk, writing.) 

(Enter a Messenger Boy) 

Boy (mauling off his cap) Telegram, Sir. 

Nosco (taking the message) I’m glad to see you 
take off your cap. You fellows ought to be as polite as 
any other business men. 

Boy Yes sir. 

Nosco There’s no answer. Here you are. ( gives a 
coin.) 

Boy Thank yer, Sir. (He cuts out. Nosco resumes 
his writing. The Office Boy comes in, lays a bundle of 
papers on the desk, and goes out. The phone rings.) 

Nosco (taking the receiver) Well? . . . Yes . . . 
Yes . . . Why, hello, hello! I’d rather see you than any 
man on earth! . . . Oh, I see. ... I see. . . . Sure 
thing. . . .Yes, fine. ... Beats being a King all to 
smash. . . . Can you come right up? . . .Yes, right 
away. . . . Don’t make any engagements till you see me. 
. . . All right, (hangs up the receiver) Well, of all men 
on earth! (He rings the bell violently.) Of all men on 
earth! 

(Enter the Office Boy, like a shot.) 

Is Markham in the office? 

Boy Yes sir. He has jes’ come in, Sir. 

Nosco Tell him to come here. (The Boy shoots out. 
Nosco springs up, walking about, smiling and wagging 
his head.) 

(Enter Markham, in a nobby business suit.) 

Old boy, guess who’s in New York! 

Markham Your brother? 


52 


The King of Nolande 


Nosco The King? Not on your life! He’s head over 
heels in the war. Guess again. 

Markham (grinning) The Lord High Executioner? 

Nosco You’re way off! King Rococo! 

Markham King-? 

Nosco King Rococo. Don’t you remember him? 
Rococo, of the Feejee Islands? Hair like this? ( indi¬ 
cates bushy hair) 

Markham Of course, of course. We called him King 
Skyrocket. 

Nosco (pacing about in high f ettle) They don’t make 
’em any finer than King Rococo. Do you remember how 
he carried a gun? If I hadn’t met him I’d be still fight¬ 
ing it out with old Firebugg. He’s been in Arizona, it 
seems, for two years. He’s coming right up. He’ll be 
here in a few minutes. You answer the mail this morn- 
ing. (grins) I’m not reigning today. 

Markham (zvith an old-World bow) Yes, your Maj¬ 
esty. 

Nosco King Rococo! Honest as the day is long, and 
blunt as a fence post!—Markham, have you ever been 
sorry you came to America with me ? 

Markham Not for one minute, your Majesty. 

Nosco Do you remember how you used to announce 
“The Lord High Executioner” ? 

Markham Yes, your Majesty. And you would always 
find something else to do, instanter! 

Nosco He was a murderous old codger! Well, hurry 
up with the mail. Of course you’ll go with us. 

Markham Your Majesty is very kind. (He goes out , 
bowing lozv at the door.) 

Nosco (walking about, hands in his pockets) King 
Rococo ! I can see him now carrying that gun! He was 
a first-class Socialist all the time, and didn’t know it! 
And now he’s in New York! 

(Enter Mrs. Nosco, “swell ” and faultless, carrying 
a big yellow “Votes for Women ” banner.) 

Mrs. Nosco Are you ready? 



The King of Nolande 53 

Nosco Sorry to disappoint you, my dear, but I can’t 

go- 

Mrs. Nosco (seating herself) But you promised! 

Nosco (looking at his zvatch) What time is the 
parade? 

Mrs. Nosco At half-past ten. You said you’d come 
sure. 

Nosco Can’t do it, my dear. A little matter has just 
come up — 

Mrs. Nosco Yes, I know. Don’t repeat the formula. 
I know perfectly well what comes next. Oh, I had a 
letter from Agria this morning. The Lord High Execu¬ 
tioner is dead. 

Nosco You don’t tell me. Did he die a natural death? 

Mrs. Nosco (taking a large square envelope from her 
bag) He died of rheumatism, Agria says. And she says 
he had an enormous funeral and such beautiful flowers. 

Nosco Well, he deserved them. He was rather strong 
on funerals himself. 

Mrs. Nosco (scanning the letter) I should think you 
would be ashamed of yourself. I remember him as a 
very fine man. Well, he’s gone to his reward, poor fel¬ 
low. ( Nosco snickers.) You never did appreciate those 
men. 

Nosco I do from this distance. They’re a hefty 
Bunch. Do you remember King Rococo? He’s in New 
York. ( She rises.) 

Mrs. Nosco (folding the letter) Rococo? . . . King 
Rococo ? Oh, that funny man with the bad manners! 
'Well, what about him ? 

Nosco (grimly) He’s been studying etiquette in the 
University of Chicago. 

Mrs. Nosco (tossing her head) I’m glad to hear it. 

Nosco He’ll be here a week, and of course he’ll stay 
at our house. 

Mrs. Nosco You’re not going to ask that ridiculous 
man to visit us? He was all right at home, where we 
were used to Kings of all sorts, but in New York —! 


54 


The King of Nolande 


Nosco But I told you he’s been studying etiquette in 
the University of Chicago! Won’t you stay and see him ? 

Mrs. Nosco No, thank you! 

Nosco Well, send the car right back. I’ll take him to 
see the parade. He believed in woman suffrage long be¬ 
fore you did! ( She goes out with an exasperated look.) 
That’s all she knows about himl ... If women ever got 
below the surface of things they’d drown. 

(Enter the Office Boy.) 

Boy A gentleman to see you. 

Nosco (tapping him on the shoulder) Bring him in, 
bring him in, Boy! He’s an old friend of mine! 

Boy (grinning) Yes sir. (He cuts out. Nosco 
stands , smiling , expectant.) 

(Enter Rococo , looking like an American gentle¬ 
man of foreign parentage.) 

Nosco (starting forward with extended hand) Hello, 
your Majesty! 

Rococo (grinning) Hello, your Majesty! (They 
shake hands long and hard.) 

Nosco Have you cut the King business ? 

Rococo (still shaking hands) Have you? 

Nosco I revolted. 

Rococo I resigned. 

Nosco It’s great to see you! Sit down, sit down! 
(He drags a chair to his desk.) I’d rather see you than 
any man I know. 

Rococo (seating himself) I hear you’re a Napoleon 
of Finance. 

Nosco (seating himself , and leaning hack , chesty and 
careless) Oh yes, I’ve corralled a few millions. It isn’t 
hard—if you know the corners. 

Rococo (winking) And the margins ! (They snicker 
and snicker.) 

Nosco I thought you were going to pack Chicago beef 
in Feejee? 

Rococo (winking) It cost too much to ship the labels ! 


The King of Nolande 


55 


Nosco (rising ) Shake hands again, your Majesty. 
(They shake gleefully , and seat themselves closer to¬ 
gether.) Do you remember the Lord High Executioner? 
He’s dead. 

Rococo (pulling a serious face) Well, well, what a 
loss to the country! . . . Well, we’ve all got to die. Who 
will carry his little hatchet now? 

Nosco I haven’t heard. Old Firebugg’s got ’em 
tangled up in The Big Fight. The Kaiser eats ’em alive! 

Rococo What became of that Queen who was hanging 
out at your place,—The International Complication? 
Queen A—A— 

Nosco ( snickering) Agria the Outcast? Well sir, 
she married the King,—my brother, you know. She 
couldn’t get the King business out of her system. Now 
my wife can. She’s a Suffragette. 

Rococo That’s the last thing I thought she’d be. 

Nosco Just so, your Majesty. But she makes speeches 
and leads parades and all that. There’s a parade on this 
morning. And the Heir Apparent,—you ought to see 
His Nibs! Strong as the son of a Texas farmer. But 
you’ll see him. You’ll stay with us, you know. What 
did you say you’re doing? 

Rococo ( getting chesty in turn) I’m a Promoter. 

Nosco ( grinning) Of course. What do you pro¬ 
mote—besides your salary? 

Rococo Mines. I’m President of the Amalgamated 
Copper Mines of Australia. Paid up capital, four mil¬ 
lions. I’ll sell you an option of the finest copper mine 
in that country, if you say the word. 

Nosco ( thoughtfully) That might be a good thing. 
I’ve been looking into copper lately . . . What do you 
think of the King business now? 

Rococo It’s the bummest business a man can run. 
There’s no money in it, and no glory any more. Of 
course there was a time when a King cut some ice, but 
now he’s a parade uniform with a phonograph attach¬ 
ment. 



56 


The King of Nolande 


Nosco That’s what he is. I’m going to bring my boy 
up in this country. That’s the most any man can do for 
a country. By the time he’s a man there won’t be a King 
in Europe. This War is a house-cleaner. Last week I 
bought the only live Socialist newspaper in America. 
We’ll elect the next President, or I’ll ditch the train. 
(He looks at his watch, and rings the bell.) We’ll see 
the parade, then go to lunch. 

(Re-enter the Office Boy.) 

Tell the Secretary to come here. (The Boy goes.) To¬ 
night we’ll talk copper. 

Rococo It’s a good proposition. 

(Re-enter Markham.) 

Nosco (to Rococo) Here’s an old friend of yours. 

Rococo It’s Markham! (He rises, extending his 
hand.) Man alive, you haven’t turned a hair! 

Nosco Markham’s turned out all right. He’s a So¬ 
cial Democrat, whatever that is. He and the Heir Ap¬ 
parent run the business. I figger on margins, (to Mark¬ 
ham) See if the car is there. You’ll go with us. And 
shut up everything. 

Markham You’re not reigning this afternoon, then? 

Nosco Nobody is. Dismiss the boys. We’re enter¬ 
taining a King. (Markham goes.) 

Rococo You’re well fixed here. 

Nosco (taking up his hat and gloves) I tell you, man, 
that (points to his desk) is The Throne today, and the 
telephone is The Lord High Chancellor. 

Rococo (taking up his hat, cane and gloves) And 
what’s The Lord High Executioner? 

Nosco Public Opinion. 

(Re-enter Markham, hat and gloves in hand.) 

Markham Your Majesty, the car is here. 

Nosco (holding the door wide open) Your Majesty, 
do me the honor. (They go.) 

( Curtain ) 


Bess Goes to Europe (1910) A Comedy of Haste in 
three acts and a telephone prologue. You take a girl 
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The Rescue of Prince Hal (1911) A Comedy of Man¬ 
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interested in “things that count after you’re dead,” 
promptly rescues Harry Henderson Hess from the in¬ 
consequent life of his ultra-fashionable relations. 

4 male, 5 female characters. Time, 2 hours. Price 
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Preserving a Smith (1912) A Burlesque of Shadows 
in three acts. The Noahs, eight of ’em, lonesome, 
isolate, bereft, snoopin’ aroun’ in the darkness,—the 
pervading, perpetual darkness!—discover a Stowaway 
in the Ark,—little Johnnie Smith, alias “Shiner.” 5 
male, 4 female characters. Time 2 hours. Price 25 
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The Clever Doctor (1912) A Dramatic Satire in five 
acts. Raised to a fashionable practice in a faultless 
neighborhood, by a comic twist of fortune, is Jacob 
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5 male, 3 female characters. Time, 1 y 2 hours. Price 
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Prof. Wright Falls in Love (1923) A Spring Rhapsody 
in three acts. A young Professor, modest, deferential, 
and awfully polite, in love for the first time, and in the 
sentimental month of May,—that’s this. 5 male, 8 
female characters. Time, 2 hours. Price 25 cents. 

The King of Nolande (1923) A Political Satire in three 
acts and an epilogue. Ferdinand Nosco, born a King, 
has too much brains for the job, resigns, and lights 
out to earn an honest living. 8 male, 2 female char¬ 
acters. Time, 2 hours. Price 25 cents. 

THE WOODMAN PLAYS COMPANY, 
POUGHKEEPSIE, NEW YORK 


LIBRARY 


